Parents are everything to the world of the child and each child once it is born looks up to his parent. The parent is the reflection of the way how the world appears with all its rules and ways of behavior. The way how the parent acts for the child is the only proper way.
The child does not realize that its parents are also just humans who are prone to making mistakes. For him, they are the protectors, providers, creators and higher beings as they were on this world before he or she was born.
Parents take a crucial role in the child’s life and in the development of its mind and consciousness. They are actually forming the character of their child.
The inner guide for our children is the way how the parents talk.
The human brain is a remarkable body organ which when it is young it possesses more neural connection. For that reason children have the ability to absorb almost everything that is around them and because of that they can adjust much better in its surroundings.
However, as soon as the child grows up, it keeps only to the most used neural connections and eliminates everything that is not often used.
The voice of our mother and father gets deeply integrated into our psyche becoming our inner voice and guide. So, the way how they talked to us is the way how we talk to ourselves.
If they talked to us with angry voice or just being harsh and cold whenever we have made a mistake then that will be the way how later on we will react on the mistakes we make. But, as we mentioned before making a mistake is a part of our humanity, and each one of us has to find the way how to learn from them and overcome them in life.
You may wonder, what is the right way to talk to our children?
You need to know that if you insult your child it will end up with an insulting inner guide thereby preventing him from trying new things and making him feel useless whenever he made a mistake. On the other hand, friendly inner guide can become his biggest support, guide and motivator in life.
For that reason it is of vital importance to talk to your child with love, sincerity, and kindness even if the child has done something wrong. In this way you will manage to develop a supportive inner voice which will be of great help later on in its life every time it needs assistance. This will not bring a frustration but an incitement to go on no matter how bad the current situation is.
In this article we shall present you the sentences that you need to avoid if you want for your child a proper developing character, and the right way how to react in certain situations.
Here are the harmful sentences:
“You are worthless!”
This is something that by no means you should tell to your child having in mind that you are the person and the mental figure from which they expect an approval of what he is doing. If you use this sentence then your child will end up with a never ending journey to ask for approval from the outside world. You need to help him to find its own worth inside of him, and not to diminish any chance for it.
If you are using this sentence make sure to replace it with the following ones: “It’s not your day, you’ll do better next time.”, “You can do much better!”, and “Nobody is perfect.”
“Stop crying right now!”
Perhaps this is the most common used sentence by the parents, but you need to know that this is a normal reaction to every child as it knows that there will be punishment for the thing it has done. Even if there is no solid reason for crying they still do it because that is the way how they express their feelings. If you use this sentence then you are making your child to suppress its feelings which will affect his mental state of mind.
Try to use these sentences instead: “It’s ok to cry sweaty, it’s ok to demonstrate how you feel. However, that does not make what you did a right thing to do.” After that embrace your child and make certain to explain to him that what he did is wrong and that he should not repeat the same thing in future.
“I am disappointed in you!”
This sentence comes from parents when they feel bad, and then turning the blame on them. This is extremely selfish thing. The one person that you should not be disappointed in is your child; you can be disappointed in a friend, in a work colleague, in politics, and so on. You are the one that should lead him on the right way, especially when they do something wrong you should guide them back. The disappointment lies in your guidance, not in your child. You should tell your child when something that he has done is wrong and explain him the reasons for it.
You should use the following sentences: “What you did is wrong, in my opinion. And I think you made an honest mistake. Even if you chose to do what you did, I can assure you’ll understand it’s wrong after I explain. I know you can do much better!”
“You are not [something] enough!”
In this way you are giving your child a pretty restricted image of himself telling him that he is are not good enough to do what he really wants and loves. Even if you do not use these exact words with this attitude you are programming his mindset in that way. Your child needs to be aware that he is enough to be himself as he always is. In fact, “a tree is enough to be a tree even when it is only a seed.” Yet, it needs to grow so that it turns in what it is.
Therefore, tell this to your child: “You are enough to be or do what you love. However, in some cases all of us need to train or practice something before, in order to grow that way.”
“Big boys/girls don’t get scared!”
This sentence should not be used by anyone especially by adults as in some cases they are more afraid than the children themselves. By using this sentence you are forcing your child to reject their true real feelings. Fear is not always a bad thing, but in fact a good thing as it reminds us to be cautious in certain situations. It is something from which you should not run away but in fact embrace it, and learn from it. A courageous person is not fearless, but it is a person that faces its fear even when it is terrified.
Therefore, say this to your child: “It’s okay to be frightened buddy. Everyone is scared sometimes. However, I know there is courage inside you that will help you do the right thing even if you are frightened. You are my little hero!”